


looking for the answer

by lenisseok



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Cage the Elephant Song, Cigarette Daydreams, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, POV Second Person, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 13:04:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18638677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenisseok/pseuds/lenisseok
Summary: When Phil Lester gets a call about his closest friend, he reflects on how they got to this point.





	looking for the answer

**Author's Note:**

> i tried something new with my writing. i probably changed tenses 3000 times and i apologize for that, but i hope the story gets across well enough. enjoy!

_“Dan, please. Just talk to me!”_  
  
You know, deep down, what the call is about the second the phone rings. You’ve been feeling off and you haven’t been able to reach him for two days, but you desperately tried to tell yourself that he just needed some alone time. You watch your fingers stretch toward the phone, almost in slow-motion, waves of anxiety pummeling your insides as you lift it off the table and press the green button.  
  
Bile crawls up your throat as a voice says your name - an unfamiliar voice, but businesslike. You can only grunt in response. It’s small, feeble and when the woman speaks it confirms all of your fears. “Daniel Howell has you listed as his emergency contact in his files at The Lambeth Hospital. He was just brought in not five minutes ago; suicide attempt.” A pause. She was used to cries and howls of grief, but you could only stand there, willing yourself not to go numb at the news. “Hello?”  
  
Her voice jolts life into your vocal cords. “I’ll be there.” And suddenly you’re by the door, keys and wallet in hand. You take a deep breath and push your way outside and it’s like a thousand bricks are anchoring you to the apartment, trying to keep you tethered to the safety, to the blanket you had formed that reassured you everything was okay.  
  
 _“There’s nothing to say, Phil. I can’t do this anymore.”_  
  
The rain drips on your face, shocking you, making you aware of your surroundings though you’d seen them a million times. The people walking about, the traffic going by. There were laughing faces surrounding you. Not a single person aware of the fact that your entire world was crashing around you, the darkness threatening to swallow you whole and take you to places you didn’t want to be.  
  
You force your feet down the soaked steps, pushing past a small group of girls. Their scoffs don’t register in your ears and even if they did, you wouldn’t have done anything about it. They didn’t understand that your breaths were strangled, that getting air into your chest was a battle.  
  
 _“Look at me. Dan, god, look at me.”_  
  
You pull your jacket tighter around you as a sharp, merciless wind nips at your cheeks and nose. But it makes you  _feel_  and, for a moment, you want to close your eyes and imagine yourself somewhere else, beside him. He has that grin on his face and there’s life and love in his dark brown eyes and everything is complete. He leans against you and whispers sweet nothings in your ear before kissing your neck. His breath smells like cigarettes and the latte you shared earlier. Everything about him pulls gently at your senses.  
  
And then the horn honks and you’re ripped back into the dark reality. A taxi is in front of you, a man gesturing and cursing at you wildly. You hadn’t realized you’d moved up to the edge of the sidewalk. You shake your head slightly and slide in, practically whispering the name of the hospital to the driver.  
  
He growls something under his breath and speeds into the busy streets, and you’re on your way.  
  
 _“Nothing makes sense anymore. I can’t… God, Phil, just let me go.”_  
  
You pull up to the entrance of the hospital, nearly forgetting to pay the driver in your haste to get out, and stumble inside where everything is clean and you can hear a soft pop song playing that you’ve never cared about but now suddenly it’s weighing on your shoulders and you’re afraid that if it ever stops, you’ll stop too.  
  
The woman at the receptionist desk looks up and you can see something in her eyes, but it’s faint and you just don’t care. You can feel your heart thudding in your chest as if trying to burst free and end the not-knowing right then and there. The taxi ride alone must’ve taken twenty minutes, enough time for him to flatline. All you had to do was say his name and she would confirm it. This stranger sitting in front of you had the power to rip your entire world away from you.  
  
 _“Is that what you really want?”_  
  
“Can I help you?” the woman asked softly, pushing up her round glasses with a ring-clad finger. Your eyes were drawn to them and you weren’t sure why. Maybe it was something to focus on, maybe it symbolized something. It didn’t matter.  
  
You take a shaky step forward and you swear it takes all your strength. “I’m here for Daniel Howell.” You hope your eyes convey just how desperately you need him to be okay because you know you can’t say it aloud. That would mean truly admitting something was wrong and hearing yourself saying the words would break you completely.  
  
The woman tears her eyes away from yours and looks down at her papers and the wait feels like a lifetime.  
  
 _“Yes.”_  
  
Finally, she looks up and meets your eyes once more. “Yes, Daniel Howell. He was staying in a hotel and had a violent outburst and took several prescription pills. We pumped his stomach and patched up his wounds - there were extensive injuries to his hands, but he should be in full control over them in a few weeks. We’re going to have him admitted to inpatient. It’s standard among patients that have attempted suicide.” She paused and smiled softly before continuing, “He’s in room 213. He’s awake but groggy. Visiting hours are about to end, but I’ll make an exception for you.”  
  
Relief flooded through you as if you’d just had a drink of ice cold water on a scorching day. It began in your throat, seeping through your torso, arms, and legs and ending in your fingers and toes. Your surroundings showed clearer than before and a million thoughts ran through your mind, so much so that you couldn’t talk, only nod your thanks and walk away. But you wanted to run, to fly to his room and burst through the door, holding him and apologizing for everything.  
  
 _“Then go! Do whatever you want, Dan, because I’m sick of carrying your baggage.”_  
  
You weren’t sure how long you stood there, staring at the metal 213 nailed to the door. Breathing was becoming difficult again and now you wanted to flee. He would be okay, he didn’t need you. You had sent him away, practically told him to off himself when he needed you. He wouldn’t forgive you and he didn’t want to see you.  
  
But you were selfish and you needed to see him. Your slender fingers grabbed the door handle, knuckles turning white as you tightened your grip and braced yourself before swinging it open and freezing.  
  
Dan. God, Dan.  
  
He looked so fragile laying on the white sheets in front of you, wires and needles poking into the skin of his arms. His skin was pale, much paler than usual and you wanted to comfort him. But then his eyes opened at the sound of your entering and brown met your blue and everything went still.  
  
He broke the long silence first with a broken whisper. “I’m- I’m sorry.”  
  
And then you were moving forward, desperately climbing onto the bed next to him and pressing kisses against his pallid face. Soft kisses that you should have given him two nights ago when he needed you and you pushed him away. Kisses that you should’ve given him when he silently asked you for a reason to stay and you didn’t give him one.  
  
Your fingers ran through his thick black locks as you finally found the words to speak. “Please don’t apologize, Dan. It was me. It was all me.” You pressed more kisses to his forehead and cheeks, nuzzling your nose in his hair before continuing, “If you can find a reason to stay, I’ll change. I’ll never send you away again when you need me. Never. That was the worst mistake I’ve ever made and I’ll never do it again. I promise.”  
  
You could feel thick, wet tears streaming down your cheeks and could taste the salt on your lips as you pressed them to Dan’s cheeks, right under his eyes, and knew he was crying too. “You’re my reason, Phil. I’m not going to hurt you again.”  
  
A smile so big it hurt appeared on your face, but your heart felt whole again. He was in your arms, alive and okay.  
  
 _The door slammed like a death toll. You were empty and he was gone… gone… gone._

**Author's Note:**

> i am not trying to romanticize depression or suicide. i'm trying to bring awareness on what it does to the people around you, which is why i told this from Phil's perspective. i hoped to capture just how frantic and terrified he was in the moment and how he felt like it was his fault. but i wanted the ending to show that they were both willing to put in the effort to change for one another, but also themselves.
> 
> i really hope that's what came across in this little piece.


End file.
